I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
