You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
