Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
