DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
