And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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