"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
