dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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