Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize