Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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