Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
