if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
