Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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