dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
