please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
