Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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