Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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