i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i love accidental penises.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
