She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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