I faked an abortion last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
