Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
