It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
