I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
