When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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