We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
