Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
