Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
