Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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