When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
