just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
