I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
