it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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