look no pants
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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