you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm too high and old for this...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
