he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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