I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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