I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
