You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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