She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
