go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
