ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
