my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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