I heard we made out
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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