You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
