Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
