I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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