We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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