how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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