Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
