Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
