Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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