we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
