$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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