i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
