just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
