Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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