soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
