What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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