Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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