The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
