Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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