I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
