Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
