If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
